The Witcher 3 Has A Sex Problem


The Witcher 3, while an amazing RPG, is one of those games stuck in its teenage wet dream phase. In the first 10 minutes of the game, we get a naked sorceress lounging in a drawing room and eventually you get sex on a unicorn. Some of you may be sitting there at your computer, about to pull up a compilation of sexiest Witcher 3 scenes on Youtube, because the internet does, inevitably, work that fast. However, this is not necessarily an awesome thing, because it makes the game industry out to be exactly what the critics have long suggested it is- kind of sexist, and incredibly juvenile.

The Witcher 3 is a mature, nuanced RPG where your choices and actions have consequences for the people you interact with. In the first three hours, I managed to make substantial changes in the first area of the game, where a number of poor, war-ravaged peasants were suffering under the aggressions of a griffon with a fairly justifiable grudge against people. This is not a game that makes you feel like all the monsters are bad, presenting many shades of grey, varying morality and tough choices. However, as soon as tits or ass are involved, that all pretty much goes out the door.

Now, this isn’t quite The Witcher’s deck of sexual conquest trading cards, but it’s still pretty close. The game includes a staggering sixteen motion-captured hours of sex scenes, though the developers did say not all of that would make it into the game. Sixteen hours of sex is what most mortal  men only dream of being able to accomplish, and Geralt apparently spent 16 hours of his 100 hour adventure doing the no-pants horizontal tango. That’s a fucked up set of priorities right there. “World might be ending thanks to The Wild Hunt’s undead legions? Eh, I’ve got time for several hundred quickies.”

Seriously, Geralt, get your fucking libido in check. Take a cold shower, or think of Vessemir in a speedo. Whatever you need to keep that mutant sexual metabolism in check.

These elements of the Witcher games have always been controversial. I’m not an opponent of in-game sex scenes, but I feel like less is more with them. If they’re a dime a dozen they can come off as too flippant, and they deprive the game of the nuance and impact these events could have if they weren’t handled like a college freshman virgin handles condoms after an Everclear bender. The key is to make them compelling for the player while also contributing to the emotional landscape of the game, not do the equivalent of that scene from Animal House where Bluto is watching a naked sorority pillow fight from a ladder outside.

“But Mr. Ginger,” you cry from your desk chair, “we want the sheer insane amount of sex scenes the game presents us with!” First of all, Mr. Ginger is my father. Call me Whiskey. Second, the vast, verdant jungle of the internet has all the porn you could ever want, of whatever type you want.

If you still need your porn in-game, I hear there’s a great Skyrim mod called “Reaper’s Dark Tower” that has a few books that might be to your liking. An absurd number of sex scenes, however, isn’t going to help The Witcher 3 achieve critical success, or endear gamers in the good graces of the general public at a time when a debate over whether games are art still simmers in the background. It certainly doesn’t help the volatile and oft times hostile environment for women in gaming communities. I’m saying it has a place, and a time, but I don’t know the answers to those questions are “anywhere” and “anytime”. In the future, maybe Geralt should keep it in his pants more often. I wouldn’t be wandering about waving my cock if there were monsters lurking around literally every corner.

About Whiskey Ginger

Whiskey Ginger is a scientist by day and comedy writer by night. Other than his passions for the nerdier things in life, he also writes for comedy sites dedicated to fraternity and postgrad humor. His parents just wish he'd write less dick jokes.

Recommended for you