Five Reasons to Buy: Wolfenstein: The New Order



TLDR <- For those kinds of readers.

The FPS genre completely owes itself to the Wolfenstein series, being the first to create a “proper” first-person shooter. It’s a series that has stayed true to itself through and through, and its newest edition, Wolfenstein: The New Orderis no different. It has you dual wielding assault rifles, fighting through hordes of enemies, and most importantly: Nazis! However, while you think this may be a mindless shoot-em-up, it is… but not as much as you might think. Here are five reasons you should immediately buy Wolfenstein: The New Order. Each reason is written first in classical ‘Murican language, staying true to the game’s overall tone, and then the second paragraphs are written in plain English for those who prefer a more refined tongue.

Let’s begin.

5.) Very High Production Value


MachineGames are some bad mamma-jammas making a game like this. When I storm a beach, smashin’ in Nazi skulls, I want to hear the bones crack! I want to see the eyes pop out of those filthy Nazi sockets! I want to hear them scream for their nasty racist mothers and meet their silly Nazi god after falling 100 feet to their timely demise! If you’re like me, and there’s nothing you love more than a bad-ass American gunslinger smashing his way through tons of anti-Semitic trash to bring back hope to the good people of the world, then this game is definitely for you. If you want to hug flowers and smell the bunnies, then you came to the wrong place, son, and I advise you put your big-boy panties on and start standing up for FREEDOM.


Don’t attract it’s attention. Really.

MachineGames has really outdone themselves in developing this game. Every detail is exquisite, and the flashes and bangs of combat look and sound exactly how you would expect them to, even if those flashes and bangs are from a giant tesla-robot stomping across a beach while frying American soldiers. The difference between Ultra and Low is actually pretty small, meaning that even low end PC players can get the most out of this title. Smoke fills the air, and the dust scatters the light across numerous battlefields, making the player feel immersed. The true magic comes during the tense moments where the sound design keeps you on your toes while a beautifully cinematic scene unfolds before you. I hate to give too much away, but I can tell you that this game really does an incredible job of balancing heart-pumping action, with heart-wrenching character decisions that have both meaning and consequence. They really pulled out all the stops for this one, and it’s definitely something to be proud of.

4.) Unique Characters


If you are into that touchy feely crap like “caring” and “understanding how others feel”, then Wolfenstein has a place for you, scrub! This game will let you talk to and learn about people from all walks of life, which is the AMERICAN WAY because we aren’t disgusting Nazi bigots! Between missions, you get to talk to anyone from a German cripple who

Wyatt and Fergus each have a lasting impact

actually isn’t Nazi filth,  to a mentally challenged fella’ and his ex-Nazi caretaker who finally saw the light and decided that he didn’t want to be so full of shit that it was oozing out of his ugly-ass swastika tattoos. Each and every character can give you “the feels”, if you are into that kind of thing, and in between sessions of smashing the third Reich, you can shed some manly tears for people’s pasts…sissy.



In most games like this, you have Nazis and you have good guys who kill Nazis. Wolfenstein takes a different approach and allows you to interact with a multitude of unique characters ranging from a mentally challenged man and his ex-Nazi caretaker, to a crippled veteran who wants to take the fight back to the Reich. Each character has it’s own back story and has a sense of depth to them that is often missing from the FPS genre these days. When faced with the consequences of my actions in this game, I really felt weight to what I had done, and I very much felt sorrow for every lost friend, even if they didn’t seem to like me much. It’s rare these days, but Wolfenstein pulls it off rather nicely.

3.) Nazi Robots

And these are the smaller ones. Yeah.

Those weak-ass Nazis couldn’t win the war on their own, so they had to bring in some big freaking German death machines! But that doesn’t matter to you, because you can destroy those rusty buckets of swastika toting nastiness with a nice dose of AMERICA. They might fire lasers at you, but your impressive pecs were made in the LAND OF THE FREE and lasers will bounce right off of them since you aren’t a Nazi loving ninny! The Germans think they can kill you with their giant metal terrors, but you bleed excellence and piss freedom! Kill them with bullets and make them apologize! If robots could feel, their faces would leak at the sight of your twin barrels of EQUALITY as you shoot them in their metal robot faces. Remember, who needs robots when you can dual wield giant automatic shotguns?


See history as you’ve never seen it before, with a victorious Nazi Germany, a downtrodden Europe, and giant laser toting, swastika bearing, German speaking robots

Panzerhunden are vicious, and difficult to elude

who want nothing more than to destroy you and all you stand for. Wolfenstein leaves no stone un-turned when exploring the possibilities of what could have been, and allowing the Nazis to win with Tesla-robots that are bigger than your house is definitely one of those stones. There are many different autonomous Nazis and there are just as many ways to kill them, ensuring that they are always fun to fight.

2.) Never-Stale Combat


Wolfenstein: The New Order lets you use your giant biceps to carry every single gun that you can find, unlike that weak-ass future “spartan” guy who can only carry two guns at once. If you want to dual wield grenade launchers to take out a group of  evil-doers, then that’s a-okay with Wolfenstein. Those damned robots are wussies when it comes to lasers, so it’s best to melt their faces into mush when you run into one of them. If some Nazi bastard wants to go toe to toe with AMERICA, they will get a belly full of hot lead, and a knife to the face! For you sneaky types who like to shiv baddies from the dark, you are free to do so, and sometimes it’s even better that way, because the look of surprise as you murder a Nazi is always priceless and good enough for any family photo album.


Machine guns always even the odds

Every scenario in Wolfenstein has multiple ways to be dealt with, from stealth to the classic run-and-gun. Different weapon types will topple different enemies better than others, and since you can carry every weapon in the game at once, you are free to use all of those weapons interchangeably to deal with each enemy in a different way. On top of the arsenal on your back, each can be upgraded with bits you can find throughout the game in order to give an alternate fire mode to each weapon. Shotguns get rounds that can ricochet, pistols become silenced, that sort of thing. This allows for the combat to always be challenging and fun, but never to the point where it feels unfair.

1.) Makes You Feel Like a Total Badass


What’s better than killing Nazis? NOTHING. Getting to defend AMERICA in it’s greatest hour of need is the finest honor you’ll ever have! Why wouldn’t you love shoving a knife into the throat of a German SS soldier? What isn’t awesome about hacking a jew-hater into tiny pieces with a chainsaw? Something about bathing in the blood of your enemies makes me want to RIDE A GIANT BALD EAGLE into the sunset while impaling THE AMERICAN FLAG into the face of EVERY NAZI ON THE PLANET. What’s better? You don’t even have to worry about recoil! You are so badass, and your muscles so INCREDIBLY MANLY that you can fire two grenade launchers at once, and never once miss your target!

Who needs assault rifles when you have TWO pistols?

Wolfenstein most certainly allows you to live out all of your Nazi killing fantasies to their fullest extent. Whether it’s sneaking undetected into a German prison, or blasting your way onto a super-secret base filled with robot-dogs and laser guns. This game really does everything in it’s power to allow you to kill what you want, when you want, and how you want. Most games incur an aiming penalty while shooting from the hip or while dual wielding, but Wolfenstein doesn’t take that route and it doesn’t take away from the gameplay at all. The game was designed for players to focus more on gunplay and the interactions between the player, the different kinds of weapons, and the enemies, rather than on aiming and worrying about accuracy. This keeps the very old-school shooter feel, while still keeping the game fresh for a new generation of players.

TLDR: You Know We Love You

5. Very High Production Value

4. Unique Characters

3. Nazi Robots

2. Never-Stale Combat

1. Makes You Feel Like a Total Badass

What I really love about Wolfenstein: The New Order is that it stays true to itself as a classic “shoot-everything-that-moves” kind of game, giving you a massive arsenal to do away with all the Nazis you could possibly imagine, including robot ones. It then throws in a very healthy dose of the human element, giving players attachment to characters and really bringing a sense of depth to the world that it has created. Wolfenstein truly is a wonderful title, especially if you love excellent single player games. It is definitely worth picking up for the experience.

About John Mann

is a 22 year old student at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock. With a major in English and a minor in Secondary Education, he will one day teach the next generation important skills for life. His roots are in his two favorite systems, the SNES and the N64, though he plays most games on his PC. John is married and lives in Jacksonville, AR with his wife Rachel.

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