The 7 People You Find In Every Guild


Since the dawn of modern human history, we’ve had guilds. Groups of like-minded folks coming together to achieve something greater, like stone work or crafts. Fast forward to today and guilds are mostly conglomerations of people who yell at each other and attempt to finish a raid zone within 45 minutes so they can maximize their personal loot potential, but the idea remains the same: people working together to make a living, virtual or otherwise.


In every guild, there are guaranteed to be some people who fit guild stereotypes. Every guild has them, and they are either a great asset or the world’s largest liability on top of a giant pile of unstable and poorly stored nitroglycerin in a fireworks factory. There is no in between with these usual suspects of the online gaming world- they know no other life than their game of choice. It’s their world, you’re just gaming in it.


The Fearless Leader

“Blood for the blood god, loot for the loot throne!” – The Fearless Leader-

This guild member is every fictional leadership figure ever rolled into one, but with less life experience and probably not as many dangerous, attractive women in their life. They lead your troops/mages/spaceships into battle with a ferocity that would make Sean Connery from The Hunt for Red October shit his very fancy Scottish pants. Outside the game world, they might not actually be in the military or some sort of corporate leadership role, but in the game they most certainly are. Messing with this guy or gal can bring down a righteous fury upon you, as anyone who has violated guild chat rules over Ventrilo will tell you.


The Resident Asshole

“Your DPS build is shit, and your mother is a whore.” -Pep talk from the Resident Asshole-

This member’s entire life is dedicated to making everyone else in the guild wish that their guns, spells and superpowers worked in real life, for the sole purpose of jettisoning this idiot into another dimension or the afterlife. The resident guild asshole may be the guy who initiates a raid with a hearty “LEEEERRROOYYYY JENKINS” or they might just always be starting shit with every other corporation in the universe. They’re the internal and external diplomatic equivalent of General MacArthur, without his legendary strategic skills. When they’re in prime form, they insult, debase and generally degrade the quality of everything the guild does. You sadly can’t get rid of them, because they’re either a close family of the guild leader or are dating them.


The Drunk One

“Lesh go guyth. Im hamered.” -A chat message from The Drunk One-

This guy or girl has only ever been seen engaging in gaming activities with a beer, whiskey or wine bottle in their hands. Everyone is certain their average state of sobriety is far from below the legal limit, making you wonder what they actually do for a living. If your guild does a physical meet-up, they’ll be stone cold sober and pretty serious about business, making everyone even more confused. They’re basically your Tyrion Lannister though. They know how to keep things light, fun and jovial, even if they can be a right bastard at times.


The Neophyte

“Hold on guys, my mom wants me to do the dishes.” *disappears in the middle of a raid* -The Neophyte

This kid is still wet behind their virtual ears. When you were playing Fallout 1, the only screen they knew was the one showing their mom a sonogram of them at 8 months. They can’t do late raids and they’re always going AFK for chores, dinner or soccer practice. If there is guild hazing, they will be on the receiving end of it. Eventually they’ll grow up and become a productive member, but until then someone is probably going to be babysitting.


The Role Player

“Look upon mine field of fucks, and observe that it is barren.” -The Roleplayer-

The roleplayer is dedicated to their character choices. They’re so dedicated you’re not actually sure they really play the game, so much as use it as a late night fantasy or sci-fi roleplaying forum where they can run off and have chat sex with the local night elf prostitutes. I have personally witnessed this. I…I don’t like to talk about it. The roleplayer’s dedication is legendary, and their tendencies can be strange. They do tend to add a lot of humor to your guild though, mostly of the unintentional and “we’re laughing at you” variety. Some of them are normal people that just want to develop an interesting character story arc. Let’s be honest though, if that was the case the majority of the time, the average RPer would be playing Dungeons and Dragons on pen and paper.


The Couple

“Look at our matching tier 7 armor sets!!! Aren’t they cute?” – The Couple, in a creepy monotone unison voice-

They joined the game together in 2002, and they’ve been together ever since. You have seen the ups and downs of their relationship from start to finish. It’s like your own nerdy version of Downton Abbey, except there’s less political intrigue and more arguments over which flavor of hot pocket reigns supreme. The couple is useless in almost any situation requiring teamwork, because their loyalty to each other far outpaces the loyalty to the guild. They do contribute quite a bit to the random in-game  pet and costume contests though, for some reason.


The Lurker

“…” -The Lurker-


They joined several years ago, but no one has seen them since. They’re unknowable status makes everyone want to drop them, but then they occasionally drop in, contribute in a big way, and then disappear for another six months. They are the Gandalf to your Fellowship. When all is lost they show up with star destroyers, a forest of giant sentient trees or any number of other absurdly in-the-nick-of-time contributions that make no logical sense but you’re incredibly thankful for. When they disappear, everyone misses them, until they once again forget they ever existed.


These are just a few of the people you’ll find lurking, or leading, within your average guild. Ideas for a part two in the comment section are more than welcome.

About Whiskey Ginger

Whiskey Ginger is a scientist by day and comedy writer by night. Other than his passions for the nerdier things in life, he also writes for comedy sites dedicated to fraternity and postgrad humor. His parents just wish he'd write less dick jokes.

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