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39 Things Millennial Gamers Know All Too Well

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Many of us grew up in the 90s. It was a great time to be a gamer, though I would certainly argue that things are even better today. As 90s and early 2000’s gamers, we learned a lot from our childhood experiences swinging swords and shooting guns in grainy fictional worlds. The things we learned have persisted with us to today, though hopefully we aren’t using all of them as real life advice. That would end up with a lot of guys beating up hookers for cash or stomping on their bosses.

  1.  Bad guys always have a cool hair cut.

  1. Ninjas are everywhere, but are incredibly lame unless you are the ninja.
  2. Cardboard boxes will allow you to be a master stealth artist.
  3. Curling up into  ball will let you run insanely fast.
  4. Mushrooms help you get higher.
  5. Your princess is never where you expect her to be.
  6. It’s important to run a tight ship if you own your own business. Never get in debt to a guy running a town full of animals.

  1. Animal fighting is totally okay as long as you use them to fight evil. You should collect as many as possible.
  2. Booze and food laying around your immediate person will probably save you from dying.
  3. Don’t fuck with chickens. They’ll fuck up your day and in large numbers.
  4. The boss will always use cheap intimidation tactics.
  5. “Open world” meant avoiding the water temple by procrastinating as long as possible.
  6. The importance of sneaking into the office was reinforced by the Thief series and Metal Gear Solid.

Metal Gear

  1. Internet dating is weird. Especially if that relationship started on Everquest.
  2. Speaking of MMOs, you learned you could, in fact, walk in on cyber sex thanks to role-playing servers.
  3. You have almost certainly screamed “fatality!” in a fit of joy, scaring your parents.
  4. A Christian group has told you you’re going to hell for playing Satan’s favorite games.
  5. Attempting to go into bullet time is a lot less effective in real life.
  6. Your problems cannot be stomped, zapped or fried away.
  7. There is a snarky one-liner for every situation.
  8. Violence won’t solve all your problems, but it will get you a lot of points.
  9. There’s always a way to cheat the system, even if it involves a complex work-around.
  10. Gamesharks were the only sharks you wanted to be near.
  11. Blowing things is a great way to make them work better.
  12. Rubbing things worked too.
  13. The cuter it is, the more dangerous it is.
  14. The bigger it is, the more obvious its weakness is.
  15. The internet is full of monsters, demons, trolls and beasts, and that’s just the message boards.
  16. Sidekicks will only ever be useful once, but you’ll thank them for it when they are.
  17. Escorts are terrible and nothing like real-life escorts.
  18. If you punch something hard enough, money and weapons fall out.
  19. Zombies are goddamn everywhere.
  20. Nothing good ever starts with a meteor landing.
  21. Stairs can be the downfall of many a foe.
  22. So can doors.
  23. Though there are many doors in the world, most of them will be closed to you.
  24. Some of the open ones lead to impending doom.
  25. You learned about sex ed through breeding Final Fantasy 7 chocobos. It didn’t help you through puberty.
  26. There’s always a bigger monster.

 

About Whiskey Ginger

Whiskey Ginger is a scientist by day and comedy writer by night. Other than his passions for the nerdier things in life, he also writes for comedy sites dedicated to fraternity and postgrad humor. His parents just wish he'd write less dick jokes.