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Crazy Star Wars “Entrepreneur” Puts Out Press Release About A Multi-Billion Dollar X-Wing Kickstarter, Disney’s Rejection

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The X-Wing. It’s probably one of the greatest things George Lucas ever conceived and it sits comfortably at the opposite end of the spectrum from Jar Jar Binks, Ewoks and “No! Not the younglings!” Recently Joeseph Alfred,  J. D., asked Disney to endorse a honking huge X-Wing Kickstarter. Like, one to build a functional X-Wing aircraft. The claim is that the project is worth 6.8 billion dollars, and the guy in question is planning a Kickstarter to make it happen. Conveniently, I’m also starting a Kickstarter to break the laws of physics and create real, actual magic. I think mine will be accomplished first though, if the following is any indication. Be warned, wall of crazy text incoming.

Disney Executive Team Rejected Estimated $6.8 Billion in Profits from Kickstarter Campaign to Produce World’s First Flying X-wing for an Ep. 8 Premiere Airshow.

I would like to make you aware that the Disney executive team has just rejected my proposal that would make Disney an estimated minimum of $6.8 Billion in profit within the next two months from a free Kickstarter Campaign announced through established print media sources, and during a half-time show in Dallas, Texas for the upcoming Florida St. vs. Oklahoma St. football game on August 30, 2014. This constituted an unprecedented opportunity for corporate & brand synergy by combining an ABC broadcast with the Star Wars brand. In addition, this game has national title implications as Florida State is the heavy favorite. The announcement of an air show for the Star Wars Ep. 8 premiere and presentation of the “before vehicle” would drive already high ratings into record breaking levels.

My proposal was to rebuild an existing aircraft into an X-wing from the Star Wars universe that would transport a Star Wars actor to the premiere of Episode 8 in December 2017. The X-wing would then fly to a Los Angeles football stadium for an air show with a maximum capacity of over 93,000 passionate Star Wars fans paying $10,000 a head for a once in a lifetime experience. After the air show, the vehicle would be auctioned off publicly online through E-bay. The World’s only Flying X-wing that transported a Star Wars actor to his own premiere will be worth a substantial sum just by itself for Disney & the airplane company. The other rewards from this campaign range from $1- $10. The first option would give people the option to pledge a dollar or more to see the World’s first X-wing. Five dollars would buy you a bumper sticker with the campaign’s slogan: “My other car destroyed the Death Star.” For a ten dollar pledge, a fan could choose between a T-shirt & a mug. While we had some ideas of what they could look like and say, fans would be encouraged to suggest their own ideas via my Twitter handle: Build_An_Xwing.

The airplane company is a collection of skilled engineers working with advanced carbon fiber metal to make a truly remarkable vehicle in its own right, but I have looked them right in the eye, and they have said they could build Disney an X-wing if they had the necessary license.

Link to Kickstarter Page

The official position of the executive team is that they are not interested in unsolicited ideas from individuals not within Disney or one of its subsidiaries. I understand that policy, so I have offered to become a part of the Disney Corporation as the Marketing Director for the Episode 8 air show. They have rejected that as well. Prior to this statement of non-interest in unsolicited ideas, Disney executives had handed off the proposal to a Disney licensing lieutenant who organized a meeting on July 22, 2014 between the three principal parties to discuss the possibility of building an X-wing for the Episode 7 premiere. The parties agreed that the timing was not ripe for Episode 7, but that Disney would keep our information for a possible event in the future. After the meeting, I became aware of Mrs. Kathleen Kennedy’s and J.J. Abrams’ desire to move the Episode 7 premiere back six months to May 6, 2016. I believed that the extra six months would be enough time to complete the X-wing for an Episode 7 premiere. It was at this time that I contacted President of Lucasfilm, Mrs. Kathleen Kennedy; Director of Star Wars Episode 7, J.J. Abrams; and Charman & CEO of Disney, Mr. Robert Iger.

I contend that Disney executive’s position change was made because I offered the following deal to the three parties: if Lucasfilm drops its policy against creating personal vehicles from the Star Wars universe, I can promise Mr. Iger increased Christmas sales of Star Wars merchandise in 2014 instead of 2015. In exchange for these sales, Mr. Iger could move the date of the premiere back six months to allow the producer & director to finish the movie the way they want. I know that Star Wars fans cannot wait to see the next installment, but I contend that a Star Wars movie is too important to be rushed. It is a cultural phenomenon with more popular references than any other movie franchise.

When I visited the headquarters of the airplane company to explain the full scope of the deal, I found that most of the company had already left the headquarters already. One important thing I did learn however, was that the lead time required to build an X-wing even for Episode 8 would require the airplane company to receive the funds almost immediately. I had a brief conversation and tour of the facility, but we were still talking past each other. I believe that the airplane company thought I was only offering them the production and liability costs for building the X-wing. That was never my intention. I was explaining the deal from front to back & wanted a number to put on the Kickstarter site. I want to use not just their intellectual property, but their prototype that they have spent decades designing and building. To properly compensate them, I designed the back end of the deal to be 10%-90%. The airplane company would receive a percentage of the 90% of whatever the over funded proceeds would be based on a negotiation with Disney. If the airplane company successfully negotiated a 45%-45% deal they would receive the same $6.8 billion that Disney would receive, plus the production, insurance, & liability costs within the budget. The remaining 10% of the cash would absorb the Kickstarter & credit card fees, both of which were over $760 million. I would transfer these sums to both companies through stock purchases, thereby raising Disney’s stock price. This means that I would only be paid if the Kickstar Campaign over-funded & only through Disney and airplane company stock. I would keep none of the actual money for myself.

My proposal makes the following assumption: That out of over 7 billion people who live in this world, more than half are either Star Wars fans, fans of personal airplanes, or commuters stuck in traffic who wonder every day if there were a better way. The idea of the personal airplane has been so inculcated into our society through movies like: Back to the Future, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and even in Disney shows like Marvel’s Agents of Shield. However, in my estimation, Disney owns the rights to the most iconic personal airplane ever invented in the history of literature: The X-wing. It is the ultimate symbol of good for Star Wars fans because it destroyed the ultimate symbol of evil in the Death Star, a space station capable of extinguishing an entire planet on the whim of a madman. I would like to break through the silver screen of George Lucas’ magnum opus, and bring the X-wing flying into reality.

The official slogan of Disney is “the place where dreams come true.” I cannot think of a bigger dream, nor one than costs Disney literally nothing, but signing a licensing agreement. I am disclosing this publicly to show everyone how close we came to be living in a world where you could buy an X-wing. In the immortal words of Yoda, “Do or do not, there is no try.” This is a faithful narrative of everything I did.

Sincerely,
Joseph Alfred J.D.

There aren’t really any words here, guys. This is a man who thoroughly believes in building a real-life X-Wing to the point that he quotes Yoda and talks about how it could change the future of personal air travel. I think he’s a few parsecs short of a Kessel Run though. This is the rambling of a man who shouldn’t be allowed out of his mother’s padded basement, let alone near Kickstarter, Disney or an X-Wing. His business plan is $10,000 per person for a flight in one show where you get to watch some other asshole fly one at Cowboys Stadium, plus mugs and shit for people without 10,000 dollars. Genius. I’m in. Where to I sign up to send him all of my money which will, of course, earn a huge ROI? No flaws in this plan. If he took it to the Shark Tank tomorrow, Mark Cuban would be throwing money at him like he just found a new favorite strip club.

At press time, there was no comment from the Galactic Empire or Rebel Alliance on whether they would sue for theft of colonial military property.

About Whiskey Ginger

Whiskey Ginger is a scientist by day and comedy writer by night. Other than his passions for the nerdier things in life, he also writes for comedy sites dedicated to fraternity and postgrad humor. His parents just wish he'd write less dick jokes.

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